My Favorite Things to Worry About
In mostly no particular order (also, this is not a cry for help)
Things going wrong with my house (plumbing, electrical work, HVAC, the pool equipment, the roof, overgrown trees, appliances, the fences… the possibilities are really endless)
Money (even when I don’t really need to worry about it, I do… this is what happens when you grow up in a household that struggles)
Work stuff (varies)
Once again adjusting to full-time working, full-time parenting, full-time trying to be an actual person with interests outside of the two above gigs
If the neighbors are going to turn me into the HOA because of dead grass on the side of our house
If the other neighbors, who hate me (by proxy, I did nothing wrong), are going to somehow sabotage my home/reputation. Also, we need a new fence, so how will those interactions go?
The guilt that comes with needing a break from my son who is a gem of a human being. But then I feel bad about feeling bad, because being apart is healthy
Whether or not I’m getting enough done
Do I take too much melatonin? Should I not take any? How will I fall asleep if I don’t take it?
What if I need an uber home from some place and no one will come?
Whether or not I’m spending enough quality time with my son
If I’ve made people mad, offended them, annoyed them, etc…
How my son will get to and from middle school… in two years
My son’s academic performance and social life
The presidential election
Termites
What is something happens to me- will Sawyer be okay?
What I will look like in ten years
My weight/what I ate/what I didn’t eat/how much I worked out/how much I didn’t work out/the type of work out I did/didn’t do
What if I don’t take out extra insurance on my car rental when traveling?
If I will get Alzheimer’s, which is what my grandma died from
If I will get melanoma, which is what my grandpa died from
My house catching on fire (every time I leave the house, every night when I go to bed)
What if I bake something or have people over for a meal and give everyone food poisoning?
The bad thing that happened last year that I don’t specifically talk about here and just annoying refer to constantly, despite trying not to make it my identity
What my cholesterol is
If the pool guy is mad at me because I won’t cut my trees. Despite my obsessive pool cleaning there is still inevitable evidence of foliage in the pool filter. I like my trees, though, and I want them to be wild and free
My therapist/plumber/pool guy (yes, even though I am scared of him)/favorite electrician retiring
Earthquakes, specifically The Big One
Handling discussions regarding current events and religion with my kid properly
Knowing my son needs more geographical freedom but also knowing he is a bit of a space-cadet and will probably walk into a car backing out of a driveway
Not making my politics and religious beliefs a thing with my students… but also concerned about them thinking I am someone I am not, just because I am a forty-year-old white woman
Forgetting people’s birthdays
Running into this one person who makes me extremely uncomfortable
Getting stuck on a months long jury trail (someone got her summons recently!!!!)
My homeowner’s policy getting canceled because I am in a “fire zone”
I’m sure there are more.
Obviously some of these are more serious than others, but the point is that for people like me rumination stemming from anxiety is basically an Olympic sport that we gold medal in every single day. When I was five I was tested for an ulcer because of stress- I was constantly feeling sick because I was concerned about home invasion robberies, my parents getting a divorce, being homeless, fires, and whatever else my little brain picked up on. I am a veteran worrier. I could teacher a mother-effing Master Class in it (sign up now!). Or do we want a TED Talk? I could buy a new dress for the occasion (that I could then worry about spending too much money on).
So, how do I live? How am I still a (usually) happy person? How am I able to be a present, functioning mom/teacher/friend/inhabitant of the planet?
I’m used to it and it’s all I’ve ever known
I see a therapist
I plan lots of things to look forward to
I journal (I have since I was seven; I have dozens of notebooks! A dear friend has instructions on what to do with them when I die)
I exercise every single day (some times low intensity, often high)
I recognize my triggers and either acknowledge them or try to stay away from them, depending on the situation
I keep a ten-year line-a-day journal to help me see that most of what happens in the past gets resolved and things end up okay enough
I am surrounded by great people; some of them are anxious like me, so we relate to each other, and some don’t, which allows me to see how the other side lives
I spend a lot of time outside
I come up with lots of contingency plans (I literally create flow charts that look like those old quizzes from Seventeen Magazine where you follow around little arrows answering questions until you arrive at the box that gives you all the answers on how to live)
When I first started writing this substack I was like “what’s the point? Who cares?” But, here’s the thing: misery loves company. Joking. I think it’s important to be honest about out challenges; people see that I get tons of shit done, have a good relationship with my son, make time for hobbies, etc… but it’s important to be real about the fact that there are days that complete chaos is absolutely reigning inside. There have been days I am in such panic mode I get exercise minutes on my fitbit, meanwhile I’m passing people in the halls at work chitchatting with ease about whatever the hot topic of the day is. Obviously this isn't a super healthy way to live- chronic stress/anxiety has shown to adversely impact a lot of components that impact longevity, which is why I decided to start talking to someone last year. I will never be “cured" but I’m not spiraling at the same rate as before.
It just helps to know that we’re all a bit of a mess.
I think the best part of being this way is that it’s super motivating to handle whatever is the current problem and that it helps me relate to my students and even my son. I can sit a kid, including my own, down and be like “look, I totally get it, I worry about everything too and you can either use this for good or for evil. Here’s what helps me…” (I always make sure to suggest my students talk to their parents, connect to resources through their counselor, etc… if it’s a chronic issue). The beast will always be a little wild, but you can tame it a bit.
Addendum:
Did I overshare? Will I regret being candid?
What if Taylor Swift comes back to LA and I can’t get tickets? Now that I’ve gone once I know what I’m missing
Will I ever run out of space for books?
The continuously increasing price of Diet Coke
Wildfires (one very near two days ago has everyone locally on edge)
You did not over share. I have many of the same worries. CNUSD had a school bus program. I am sure this may exist in some format. Good news, you have two years to figure it out. The fires are scary.